


my fiancé [ spencer reid x reader ]

by plazasfabray



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Behavior Analysis Unit, CM - Freeform, F/M, FBI, Fanfiction, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Quanitco, Romance, Slow Burn, bau, criminal minds - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:01:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27752725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plazasfabray/pseuds/plazasfabray
Summary: It was common for you to work as hard as you could to get whatever you want. That is how you graduated high school and got into Caltech at age 16, right? It's also how you got sought out by the FBI and were requested to join the BAU. So how did you end up on your way to marrying an man who didn't love you?
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 73





	1. Author’s Note

Hey everyone!

This is my first fanfic on here so be sure to leave constructive criticism! Anyways, everyone's personality could fit any season but this is written with season 2-4 in mind.

I will be using cases directly from the show and at the beginning of each chapter I will list the season and episode number. The cases will not always be based in season 2-4.

A song will be added to each chapter, but I will be updating a Spotify playlist with a song for each chapter. The playlist's name is "my fiancé" or you can use the link below:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4423C7CMj1Nf4fUTn1IfQf?si=LaVtYrCVQDaHv7aYEwNGSw&nd=1

There are multiple triggers for this story that include:  
\- Self Harm  
\- Physical Abuse  
\- Emotional Abuse  
\- Suicide  
\- Drug Abuse  
\- Alcohol Abuse  
\- Violence  
So please do not read if any of these things will trigger you! Most chapters will deal with at least one of these things so there will not be a trigger warning for most chapters.

I hope you all enjoy this fic!


	2. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: When Will I See You Again - Shakka

_Foundation, lipstick, concealer._

_Since high school, you knew that those 3 things were essential to covering up hickeys, but you would've never thought you needed to know that to cover up bruises._

_~~~_

Precisely 5:30 a.m was when you heard the soft tunes of Mozart flood through your ears. You quickly turned over in your uncomfortable and wrinkly sheets to turn it off as fast as possible. As you rose quietly from your bed, you could see a sliver of light shining through your curtains from the street lamps below. Quickly, you made your way across your room to your bathroom. You quickly shed your clothes and stepped into the tiled shower, letting the warm water flow down your skin. You did your usual routine of shampoo, body wash, condition, and body scrub. A wide smile spread across your lips as you stepped out and looked in the vanity in front of you. It seemed like it had been years since you had smiled so happily like something was finally worth getting excited for. It was your first day at the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI in Quantico and you simply couldn't wait.

Born and raised in Las Vegas; you were every parents' dream child. A straight-A, duel-enrolled, valedictorian prom queen. Of course, being a good student always meant you were adored by almost every teacher you ever had, but you always felt like you could never compare to one specific alumnus. Spencer Reid is his name, he had graduated the year before your freshman year at age 12. You had only started high school at 12, so it seemed like you automatically couldn't achieve the same admiration as him. You weren't jealous though, you were simply amazed by him and looked up to him as the person you wish you were. So, it wasn't a surprise to anyone when you graduated high school at 16 and got into Caltech.

After spacing out for a moment, you looked back at yourself and inspected your skin closely in your vanity mirror, checking for spots that needed an extra little bit of foundation or concealer. Right after, you started applying your regular daily makeup, a little bit of blush, mascara, and a light pink eyeshadow and lipstick.

The foreign feeling of a smile faded as you headed back into your bedroom and looked down at the other figure sleeping in your bed. The man that tricked you into falling in love with him. You sighed deeply and headed to your closet, pulling out a white and black houndstooth pantsuit, as well as a black turtleneck to layer underneath. You quickly changed as it was now almost an hour before you were supposed to be at work. Standing in front of your full-length mirror, you started to pick apart little bits of your appearance.

'Stand up straighter, don't slouch', 'walk with your chin up but don't make eye contact.' You could practically hear your fiancé's words ringing through your ears. Shaking your head slightly, trying to push your thoughts away, you grabbed a black hair tie and pulled your hair back into a slick ponytail.

It pained you to know you had to lie about your job. Getting two master's degrees from Caltech in 4 years is something that any normal person would brag about and be proud of. But, you were told to hide that fact from anyone you were to meet. You didn't want to lie to your fiancé about becoming an agent, but you knew he would make you quit, so for now you just told him you helped with paperwork and an assistant on cases. You had a feeling he would be glad to not see you around the house for days at a time.

"Shit, 6:45 already?" You cursed, looking over your shoulder at your alarm clock.

Grabbing a pair of socks and black ankle boots and quickly putting them on, you quickly rushed down your stairs. To make the 7:00 train you would have to leave at 6:55, so you only had about 10 minutes to make breakfast. Frantically, you grabbed a bowl, yogurt, oatmeal, and berries. You made a to-go yogurt parfait for yourself and another for your fiancé, writing something on a sticky note then placing it on the bowl in the fridge.

Picking up your bags and keys, you quickly ran out of your door and started to head in the direction of the Washington Union Station. Thankfully for you, traffic was light so it was only a 3-minute walk. You scavenged your bag for your previously bought ticket as you approached the train conductor. He punched your ticket and you gave a small nod as you stepped onto the train.

You quickly headed towards the quiet car, wanting to get in some reading on the long train ride ahead of you. Out of your messenger bag, you grabbed your copy of The Tell-Tale Heart and flipped to the first page. You placed your pointer finger on the page and dragged it down as you read each line. Every couple of minutes or so, you would look out the window and take in the scenery around you. This seemed like a fairytale; you couldn't believe all your hard work finally paid off and got you to the FBI.

The ride seemed to fly by when you could feel the train starting to slow down and approach a small brick building. It looked well worn and almost abandoned, but the sight brought a smile to your lips. You got up, placing your book back into your messenger bag, and grabbing the other by its handles. Your boots thumped against the metal flooring of the train as you stepped onto the concrete platform next to it. Walking through the exit and to the front of the building, you spotted a bright yellow taxi and waved it over.

"FBI academy," you stated as you opened the taxi door and sat down, placing your bags beside you. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the driver give a nod and take off. Thankfully, this was a short trip, only 10 minutes at most. You took a moment to make sure you had your necessities and find your badge to clip onto your messenger bag.

After a moment of rummaging through your bags, you looked out the window at the terrain surrounding you. It seemed like it was only forests, grasslands, and fields until you started coming up to the FBI academy. A grin was slowly spread across your lips as the taxi driver pulled into the drop-off spot and looked back at you. You quickly handed him a 20 dollar bill and picked up your bags, stepping out of the car.

You waited till the taxi left before looking up at the buildings in front of you. It amazed you that you were just living here a couple of weeks ago for training and now you're working at one of the hardest departments to get into. Clutching on to your bags tightly, you started to quickly walk to the main building not being able to contain your excitement.

As you walked into the lobby, you flashed your badge to the security and receptionist and started to head to the elevators. It looked like another woman was also waiting for an elevator, so you stood behind her as you waited for one to open.

It only took a couple of seconds before you heard the ding of the elevator and saw the doors open. You stepped on behind the other women and started to rock back and forth on your heels, now being more nervous than excited.

"Floor 6 please," you commented as she looked back at you, insinuating she wants to know what floor you're going to. She didn't look like she was in a rush, if anything she had this tender, mother-like look on her face.

"First day?" She asked with a smile.

"Is it that obvious?" You asked back with a nervous smile forming on your face.

"Don't worry; I'm a profiler so I was hired to notice those things," she laughed softly.

"Oh, you work in the Behavior Analysis Unit?" A wave of relief flood over you as you realized you had already started to make a friend in the same department as you.

"Yep I do, I'm Jennifer Jareau by the way, but everyone just calls me JJ. I'm guessing you're our new member?" She questioned and you responded with a nod as the elevator dinged. The small screen above the doors illuminating the number 6.

"Don't worry, we're like a family here, you'll fit right in," she smiled and rubbed your shoulder before stepping off the elevator. You quickly followed her off the elevator and through the glass doors of the BAU. Mostly everyone was either busy working at their desk or walking around with stacks of paperwork.

You started towards a tiny flight of stairs to the main offices, taking them two at a time. The first office door you noticed read ‘Aaron Hotchner’ and was slightly ajar. You gave the door a couple of light knocks with your pointer finger before stepping in, "Agent Hotchner?"

Hotch looked up from his paperwork as he heard you knock on his door and held his hand out, "Ah Agent Y/L/N, come right in and please call me Hotch."

You smiled and quickly walked up to his desk and took his hand in yours, shaking it lightly. You let go after a moment and sat down on the brown leather chair that faced his desk, "It's a pleasure to meet again, sir."

"Likewise," he nodded before pulling out a small stack of paperwork and held it out for you.

"This is just some of the final paperwork you have to fill out, it shouldn't take you more than an hour." You took the papers from his hand and he stood up.

"Follow me, I'll introduce you to the team." Hotch started towards his office door and you got up and followed. He led you down the same small flight of steps to a group of five people standing around a desk that you presumed to be gossiping.

"Good morning guys," he said as you both approached the group. "This is our new member, Agent Y/N Y/L/N."

"Y/L/N meet David Rossi," an older man smiled at you and shook your hand. "Welcome to the family."

"Jennifer Jareau," you smiled at the blonde woman and shook her hand once again. "We already met on the elevator," she informed everyone, keeping that same smile on her face.

"Emily Prentiss," a woman with brown hair and bangs to your left held out her hand. "It's nice to meet you Y/N," you smiled at her as you shook her hand for a moment.

"Derek Morgan," a tall man to your right now held out his hand for you to shake. "Hey pretty girl, you can call me Derek," he winked at you and you laughed, shaking his hand.

"Penelope Gar-" Hotch got cut off by a platinum blonde woman launching herself onto you with a giggle. She hugged you tightly, "A newbie! I can't believe this! You're going to fit right in I can tell." You were a bit overwhelmed by her but she seemed very kind.

Hotch started to continue listing off names, "And lastly Spencer Re-" he stopped mid-sentence.

"Wait, where's Reid? He's never late," Emily commented.

"Wait Re-" you were about to question before you got cut off this time.

A tall, skinny man with brown hair down to his ears ran in through the double glass doors. His messenger bag swayed next to his body as he approached the group out of breath.

"Hotch I'm sorry I'm late," he started to apologize. "I swear it will never happen again. I had to take the later train because mine was fully booked and I know we had the new member coming in today..." he trailed off as he looked around and made eye contact with you.

You audibly gasped before bringing your hand up to cover your mouth. You brought it down to whisper two words, "Spencer Reid?"

"Y/N Y/L/N?" he asked back. It took you both a moment to comprehend what was going on before he launched himself at you just like Penelope had done. It didn't take even a second before you wrapped your arms around his lengthy torso and buried your face in his chest as you could feel him do the same but to your shoulder.

"I missed you so much, Spence," you whispered before pulling away from the hug a little bit and looking up at him.

"I missed you more, Y/N," he smiled back at you.

"So pretty boy, you know princess here?" Derek questioned as he eyed the both of you.

You quickly let go of Spencer now, your cheeks a blinding shade of red. "We met in college and went to the same high school actually," you explained with a smile as your memories with him started to flood your brain.

"We were best friends," Spencer added with a smile that seemed a bit more sad than happy.

You hadn't noticed, but in the time that you and Spencer reintroduced yourselves, Penelope and JJ had left to get a case file and talked to Hotch about it for a moment.

"Well, it's very nice that you guys met again, but we have a case so conference room in 5 guys," Hotch stated as he started towards the conference room.

The rest of the team followed him, but you stayed back with Spencer for a moment.

"Catch up on the plane?" He requested with a soft smile.

"Of course," you gave a small laugh as you walked beside Spencer up to the conference room. You could already tell you're going to love working here.


	3. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: February - Beach Bunny

**!! SEASON 4, EPISODE 9 SPOILERS !!**

_You ran your finger over the cracked spines of the library books. You knew they were about to close for the night, but staying late was one of the perks that came with becoming friends with the head librarian._

_You grabbed a copy of "The Sign of the Four" and headed towards the checkout desk before someone caught your eye. His picture was on almost every academic page of your old copies of yearbooks, so it was almost impossible to miss him._

_"Excuse me, sir," you walked up to the round table he was sitting at. "Are you Spencer Reid?"_

_"Oh uh- yes, I am," he looked up from his book and gave a small nod, awkward silence filling the room soon after._

_"Oh, I'm so sorry," you almost forgot to introduce yourself. "I'm Y/N Y/L/N, I also went to Las Vegas Public High, class of 1998. The teachers talked about you a lot and everything you've done and I just knew I had to meet you."_

_He looked down for a moment and gave a smile before looking back up at you. "That's really nice of you, but I know it's getting late and I should probably get going."_

_"Wait uhm- I can pull a couple of strings and we can stay after closing. I'm sorry, I don't know if you mind, I've just been dying to get to know you," you smiled back at him as you took the seat across from him and he closed his half-read book._

_~~~_

The team was already situated in the conference room as you and Spencer walked in side by side. You sat directly to his right, giving him another smile before directing your attention to JJ standing at the front of the room. She pointed a remote control at the projector behind her and pressed a button, displaying a victim's portrait as the rest of you opened the case file.

"Vanessa Holden, age 25," she stated with a straight face. "Last Friday night she was clubbing with her sister, a stranger, white male, roughly her age, picked her up. They left the club 1 a.m., went back to her place, forced her on her hands and knees, and then he cut her open, just below the stomach."

You looked up at the picture displayed on the projector. A blonde woman was displayed in a black baby doll dress on carpet, a pool of blood under her.

"Gutting causes the intestines to spill out," Spencer started, squinting at the picture. "You can survive for a few hours actually, some survive even days," he finished, looking up at the group.

"Postmortem shows he slit her throat at around 5 a.m.," JJ continued to explain.

"So he disemboweled her, but didn't kill her for another 4 hours? A sexual sadist perhaps?" Prentiss questioned.

JJ looked over at Emily and nodded, "That's what I thought as well, but there are two priors from a year ago. Prostitutes in motel rooms that indicate differently."

"Wait, how do we know these are the same unsubs?" Morgan questioned as he flipped through the files.

"When the prostitutes were murdered, bleach, ammonia, and trash bags were discovered in a triangular pattern. Same thing with Vanessa," JJ fidgeted with the remote buttons to show pictures of all the crime scenes with the same items.

"So he's cleaning up? Trying to hide his tracks?" Prentiss offered doubtfully.

"Could be remorse," Spencer suggested looking over at you. You hadn't said a word since coming into the conference room and he had probably noticed by now.

"Apologizing for the murder by cleaning up the mess," you inferred in a low voice. You didn't want to speak up over the team; not only were you told not to do that in any circumstance, you certainly didn't want to do that on your first day.

Spencer definitely caught onto your hesitation by now. The version of you that he remembered rose your hand up for every question in class and loved to debate. Now, you were very withdrawn and didn't like to give your opinions or speak out on things.

"There's one other thing though," JJ interjected. "Bleach and ammonia were found under the victims' fingernails."

"He's making them clean up their murders," Hotch stated, getting up from his seat. "It's the same unsub; wheels up in 20."

From there, the rest of the team got up from the round table and started to head out of the conference room. You grabbed your copy of the case file and held it to your chest and started to follow the group before Spencer stopped you.

"You know you can give your opinion about the case and offer what you think about it, right? No one will stop you, Y/N." Spencer's words seemed like they were supposed to be stating the obvious, but the way he talked to you was sincere.

"I know Spence, I'm just nervous I guess," you tried to shrug off your uncertainty of speaking your opinion and just gave a small smile.

Spencer gave a small nod and left the conference room, you following behind him. He went to grab his bags from under his desk and you did the same. You threw on your messenger bag over your shoulder as you held your duffel bag filled with clothes and toiletries.

You and Spencer walked over to the elevators to walk with the rest of the team to the jet. As the down arrow above the elevator to your left flashed, the doors open to let out a couple of agents. All of the team managed to file in and Rossi pressed the button labeled 1. It only took a minute before the elevator reached the first floor and everyone started to head towards the tarmac. You followed closely behind the group and next to Spencer as you took the short walk to the jet.

Hotch pushed a door open at the end of a decently long hallway and held it for the team. Immediately you spotted a white jet a couple of hundred yards away from you. The stairs were let down already and the other members of the BAU started heading up them, one by one. Your mouth hung open a little bit in astonishment. You weren't aware that the team had its own private transportation for all its cases.

"That was my first reaction too," you heard Emily say with a laugh as she sat down in one of the egg white leather seats and pushed her bags under it. Your cheeks turned bright pink as you realized she was talking about your expression.

You walked onto the jet and took the seat across from her, Spencer already sitting in the seat to your left. You kept your messenger bag on your lap and put your duffel bag under the seat just like Emily had done. All of you started to buckle your seatbelts as the pilot closed the entrance and got the plane ready for take-off.

"God, it's freezing in here," you commented as you crossed your arms and rubbed them quickly. The blazer you had on was a thin material and didn't keep you as warm as you'd like to be.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to it quickly," JJ smiled softly at you.

"Here, I always bring a spare sweater," you looked over to your left to see Spencer grabbing a brown and white, argyle style, pull-over sweater from his bag.

"Are you sure?" you questioned, not wanting to take his sweater if he gets cold. "I'll be fine Spence, you keep it."

"No, I insist," he stated, placing the folded sweater in your lap. Quickly unfastening your seatbelt, you stood up and took your blazer off. You could feel Spencer's eyes on you as you tried to hide your bare arms before feeding them through the sweater. Spencer was quite taller than you, so the sweater that went to his hips fell to your mid-thigh.

"Thanks, Spence," you smiled at him as you sat back down and fastened your seatbelt once again. You could see Emily and JJ exchange a knowing glance towards you and Spencer out of the corner of your eyes.

"So what's your guys' story?" JJ asked looking between you and Spencer.

"Well, we went to the same high school, but Y/N started a year after I graduated. Then, we both ended up meeting at Caltech and we were in a couple of the same classes and just became friends from there," Spencer explained looking at you the whole time.

"Yeah, the teachers would talk about him a lot and how we were so similar because of how young we both started and graduated," you explained with a laugh. As you could feel the plane start to get ready to take off, you gripped the armrest tightly. "When I saw him at Caltech, I knew I had to meet him," you smiled looking up at Spencer.

As you felt the plane take off, your stomach dropped and you clutched on to the armrest even tighter. You weren't scared of flying, but it wasn't your favorite thing either. You felt Spencer place his hand on your wrist and you immediately calmed down. He's had that kind of effect on you ever since college.

"Who's the lucky man?" Emily asked you, referencing to the ring on your hand currently clutching the armrest.

"Oh uh..." You never were one to talk much about your fiancé. He always told you not to talk much about your relationship, but you knew he was a very private man.

"Well his name is James and-" You could feel Spencer tense once you had said his name, but you tried to ignore it and continued. "We were high school sweethearts and he went to Caltech as well."

"Aw, that's so sweet," JJ commented with a smile. "Have you planned when the wedding is going to be?"

"Well not yet actually-" Hotch walked over to your small group and tapped on the case file, stopping what you were saying.

"Sorry to interrupt," He started while sitting down on the couch to your right. "But it's a short flight and we need to get started."

The hour and a half flight went by quickly as you discussed the various aspects of the crimes committed. Emily had suggested the idea that the team makes a profile for when the unsub killed prostitutes and now when he is killing club-goers. Reid was assigned to work on the geographic profile, Prentiss and Rossi were to focus on the prostitutes, and you, Morgan, and Hotch were going to focus on Vanessa Holden.

As the four of you walked into the police station, a local detective informed you about the crime scene. There was no DNA in the prostitutes' or club-goers' murderers, but there were witnesses that gave a vague sketch. The most suspicious part to you though was that Vanessa's family stopped cooperating with the police after a day which led Morgan to call Garcia for any background information on the family.

"The Holden's had it coming, someone should've gutted the slutty one, yikes," Garcia read off the various insults and it didn't take long before Hotch took you and Morgan to the Holden's house.

When the team had gotten to the house, a maid had opened the door and you stood for a moment, waiting for Mrs. Holden.

"Good afternoon, it's a shame you came all the way out here because it's a waste of time and Vanessa's sister, Ashley, knows absolutely nothing," she said rather harshly. "We really just want to put this all behind us as soon as possible."

"Mrs. Holden, we are deeply, deeply sorry for your loss and can't even begin to imagine what you're going through," you consoled.

"That's right, you can't," she stated bluntly.

"But, we wouldn't want anyone else's mother to go through this, so it's very important we try to catch the guy who did this. Your daughter would have information that could help us and it helps many families knowing that the bad guy was caught," you tried to be as gentle and caring as possible while talking to Mrs. Holden.

"Fine, but make it quick and if you accuse her of anything I will be on the phone so fast-" she pointed her fingers at each of you accusingly before Morgan had to calm her down.

She led you all to the living room and sat you down on a large sofa. You waited a minute or two before Mrs. Holden came back down with Ashley.

Ashley explained how her sister's boyfriend had just broken up with her and she wanted to take her clubbing. The unsub had approached them in a cocky and flashy manner, obviously seeking attention.

Soon after, you left the Holden household to go back to the station. Spencer had found changes in the geography of the killings and Emily and Dave found the prostitutes' old advertisements in newspapers.

"But how did the unsub turn from not even being able to talk to prostitutes on the street to self-assured and hitting on club-goers," Morgan questioned.

"Well he did take a year off from the murders, he could've changed himself in that time," Hotch offered.

"That's impossible though," Derek countered. "That'd be a total transformation in how you act, dress, think about yourself..."

"Not necessarily, we found a class in the same paper as the prostitutes." Rossi started handing around a sheet of the newspaper with an advertisement for a "Learn How to Pick Up Chicks" class.

"Ok guys, we'll check this out tomorrow," Hotch stated, looking out the window at the sunset. The rest of you followed his view before looking back at him. "Let's head back to the hotel and look at this again tomorrow with a fresh set of eyes."

The team quickly left the station and filed into two of the FBI SUVs. You and Spencer sat in the back of one while Hotch drove and Emily sat in the passenger's seat. It wasn't necessarily a hard day, but it was tiring and frustrating with the team having one clue.

You all quickly checked in and got your room numbers and cards. Everyone quickly took the elevators up to their rooms to try and get some rest.

After locking your room door behind you, you fell onto the queen-sized bed like a child. You stared up at the ceiling for a bit before deciding to shed your clothes and take a warm shower. It wasn't that long since you had already taken one early, but it was needed to relieve your tension.

After you got out, you changed into a soft pair of black sweatpants, an old sweatshirt from your college, and black slippers. You washed your face with some of the products you brought in your go-bag before flopping back down on the bed.

Looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table, you got up. It was only 9:30, so you assumed Spencer would still be awake. You grabbed your key card off the dresser and headed across the hall to his room, knocking lightly on the door.

Through the door, you could hear what sounded like glass bottles clinking before shattering. Right after, the door unlocked and Spencer stood in front of you.

"Are you okay in there?" You questioned, looking over his shoulder.

"Oh yeah uh- I just dropped a glass, but I picked it up," he nodded. You saw that he also changed out of his work clothes and was in a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and slippers as well.

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go down to the poolside and catch up?" You asked with a smile.

"Oh yeah, of course," he smiled at you before grabbing his key card and heading into the hallway with you, closing his room door behind him.

Spencer and you took the elevator down to the first floor and walked outside to the illuminated pool and bar. There weren't many people which surprised you a lot, so you slipped your shoes off, rolled up your sweatpants, and sat down beside the pool, putting your feet in.

"Come on Spence!" You called over as you looked over your shoulder and saw him standing a couple of feet behind you.

It took a moment, but he eventually did the same and sat next to you. He looked down at the glowing water below you.

"So... you and James are engaged now." Spencer started, looking from the pool to you.

As much as he tried to hide it, you could hear the disappointment in his voice. "I know you don't like him Spence, but please just be happy for me."

"You didn't talk to me for 5 years because of him, Y/N." Spencer wasn't trying to hide the fact he was annoyed now. "Not even an email saying 'Oh hi, I'm not dead by the way,'" he held up air quotes.

"He was just trying to be protective," you defended, now starting to get annoyed as well. "And he obviously had a reason to be," looking down, the memories of when Spencer left Caltech flooded into your head.

"I lost my best friend just like that," he snapped his fingers and you flinched. You could tell he noticed your reaction as the look in his eyes changed to worrisome.

"I did too, Spence!" You were about to start yelling before you calmed down and sighed. You set down your hand lightly on his knee, patting it twice before standing up.

"I don't want to start arguing. Good night, Spence," you smiled sadly before stepping out of the pool and putting your shoes back on. You were halfway to the main building before Spencer started calling your name.

"Y/N, Y/N!" You looked back at him quickly making his way towards you. He wrapped his arms around your waist before nuzzling his head into your shoulder. "I'm sorry, I just really missed you, Y/N."

"I know, Spence," you pulled out of the hold a little bit and placed your hand on his cheek. "I know."

You stood there for another moment before heading towards the elevators and going back up to your room. Shutting off the lights and laying down on your bed, you didn't even bother to cover yourself with the sheets. That night you slept well for the first time in awhile, your dreams full of memories of a certain someone and you in college.


	4. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Feel Something - Clairo

**!! SEASON 4, EPISODE 9 SPOILERS !!**

_He slammed your front door shut and sent boxes flying down with him. You hurried onto your hands and knees to pick up the broken glass surrounding you._

_After what seemed like hours, your hands were splintered with glass and full of tiny cuts. You tried to ignore it as you threw the remains of the beer bottle away._

_Hurrying to unpack before he came back, you picked up one of the boxes that had fallen over and looked inside. Placed delicately at the top was a picture frame that was now shattered._

_The picture showed you standing next to a lengthy, tall man with fluffy brown hair and the most beautiful smile you'd ever seen. You both were standing in the bleachers of the Caltech sports field, cheering on your school. He held a small orange flag in his right hand and his left was wrapped around your shoulder, holding the camera the picture was taken with. Your head was placed delicately on his shoulder, and you were smiling so brightly._

_You didn't care as you held the picture frame to your heart and tears started to flow. You couldn't help from whispering to yourself the truth, no matter how much you tried to deny it._

_"I miss you, Spence, so much."_

_~~~_

The loud beeping from the hotel alarm awoke you suddenly. You immediately sat up and rubbed your eyes, but quickly became blinded by the light streaming in through the thin curtains.

It didn't take long for you to start getting ready for the day ahead of you. You put on a white button-up shirt and layered the sweater Spencer gave you the previous day on top. You also paired that with a beige plaid skirt and your black ankle boots.

While you were putting on your makeup, you heard a soft knock on your room door. You swiped your cheeks with blush one last time before looking through the peephole, then unhooking the chain and opening your door.

"Hey Spence, what's up?" You smiled up at him.

"Good morning," he smiled back at you. "I was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee before we head down to the precinct?"

"Sounds like a plan," you nodded before grabbing your messenger bag off the dresser and following him out of your room.

The two of you took one of the bureau's SUVs down to a small coffee shop then to the police station. The rest of the team had already arrived and got situated, so you rushed to talk to Hotch about the case.

He quickly informed you and Spencer about a murder that happened the previous night that was assumed to be your unsub. Spencer and Rossi went to the coroners and Morgan and Emily went to the crime scene, which left you, Hotch, and JJ at the police station.

It was hard to pay attention to the case. You had a decent amount of rest the previous night, but not as much as you would like to have. You flipped aimlessly through the files again before JJ came up to you and Hotch and handed you both a new set of files.

"It's going to be a long day," she sighed as you looked from the papers to JJ.

"He didn't get to do his ritual this time," you commented as you looked at the victim and cause of death. "She fell out of a window."

"He might kill again tonight," Hotch suggested as he pulled out his cell phone, dialed numbers, and put it up to his ear. "We have to get the rest of the team back and go to the Viper's class in the newspaper."

It only took about 20 minutes for the rest of the team to meet you at the precinct. Rossi, Morgan, and JJ had stayed to go over files while you, Prentiss, Hotch, and Reid went to the class.

The four of you walked in right as the speaker was about to finish. You and Emily exchanged glances as you listened to the nonsense the man was spewing to anyone who would listen. He was wearing an obnoxious furry top hat and velvet suit that made it seem like he was begging for attention. Thankfully for you guys, he soon finished up his speech and the other men started to exit the room.

"Great, we're dealing with another narcissist and misogynist that almost sounds like he's training them to be serial killers," Emily rolled her eyes once more before leading you four up to where he stood at the front of the room.

Hotch had quickly informed him of the situation and why the team was looking into his class, but the Viper seemed unamused and almost annoyed.

"So you think the whatever you call him, unsub or whatever, took my class?" He asked with a disgusted look on his face.

"He used the techniques that you suggested in the class, specifically the 'the camera adds 15 pounds' routine verbatim," Reid informed him.

"That's a good one," the Viper laughed and looked at Spencer. "You know, you should try using that one, you look like you need all the help you could get."

"Anyways, we just need your attendance list-" Hotch tried to change the subject but got cut off.

"No." The Viper cut him off.

"No?"

"My clients are promised confidentiality when they come to my class and I won't compromise it."

"We could come back with a warrant," Emily added.

"Go ahead, but the money I make doesn't just go into my luxurious lifestyle, I have fantastic lawyers on call," the Viper came back.

Emily and you shared another look and rolled your eyes. You both quickly noticed how he started to look the two of you up and down and you quickly got uncomfortable.

"You know, you agents might have the higher ground here, but the things I could make you two do on my turf..." the Viper looked you both up and down once more and somehow you became even more uncomfortable. Emily wasn't as bothered though, as she just laughed it off and rolled her eyes once more.

You felt a hand placed on the small of your back and soon saw Spencer standing next to you. You looked up at him and gave a small smile as to say 'Thank you'.

"If you have any questions, give us a call," Hotch stated as he handed him a card and led you all out of the building.

Spencer kept his hand on your back till you reached the SUV you had taken to the class. You let out a breath of relief and fell against the backseat.

"Are you okay, Y/N?" he asked, looking over at you. "You looked uncomfortable and I didn't know how to help..."

"Yeah Spence, thank you," you placed your hand on top of his and squeezed it before letting go.

The traffic on the way back was worse as it had just become rush hour. Rossi and Morgan had called in to tell you guys about the first victim who had given the unsub a scar. The drive had taken almost double the amount of time than you had taken to get there, but you arrived at the precinct right as the sun started to set.

The team had quickly given the profile before most of the officers started to head out for the day. Hotch had informed the team that you all would be going to a club to try and find the unsub.

"You know the answer to why the unsub changed his victimology might be in the Viper's class," Rossi told the team as you had all started to pack up your things.

"We need to profile him then, and bait him with someone he sees as a challenge," Hotch added.

"We'll need to study him up close and personal..." Morgan looked between you and Emily. "It'll have to take someone he's already attracted to."

You looked over at Emily with a scared look on your face. You hadn't been to a club since college and you definitely didn't want to go just to see someone who had made you very uncomfortable earlier in the day.

"This is reallyyy gonna suck," Emily sighed as she threw her bag over her shoulder. "We can stop at the hotel and bring our stuff back to the locker rooms here." She added, looking over at you.

You threw your messenger bag over your shoulder and sighed, not being very excited to go clubbing. Thankfully, the whole team would be there with you, but you still weren't fond of the idea. As the team started to get into cars to travel back to the hotel, Spencer approached you with a worried look on his face.

"You know you don't have to do this, Y/N. Hotch can send someone else in, like JJ," he said softly. "I know you don't like clubs or bars."

"I'll be fine Spence, it's for a case and it's just a couple hours," you shrugged it off. "Plus, you'll be there and that makes me feel better about it already."

The travel to the hotel was fairly quick, you had waited in the SUV while Emily had run up to get her things. You were extremely thankful she had a spare dress for you as you hadn't packed anything appropriate for going out.

When you arrived back at the precinct, Emily immediately took you to the women's locker room in the back and started to remove your makeup. As she did, she made small talk with you.

"You really love him, don't you?" She asked after a moment, lightly rubbing your eyes with a makeup wipe.

"Sorry?" You tilted your head to the side in confusion.

"Spencer," she started, now starting to apply blush. "I see the way you look at each other. I know love when I see it."

You felt your cheeks burn up and you knew the blush Emily was applying wasn't needed.

"We just- we haven't seen each other for a while. It's weird seeing him again."

"Just don't let him lose you again, Y/N. I haven't seen him this happy in a while, it's like he lost that sparkle in his eye and just got it back."

You didn't respond to Emily as your mind started to cloud with thoughts. Your relationship with Spencer wasn't something that came to mind ever since you saw him again. Emily finished your makeup in silence and you changed into the dress she gave you as she started to work on her own makeup.

The red bodycon dress hugged your body a little more tightly than you would've liked. You shifted uncomfortably in the mirror as you looked your figure up and down. The first thought that came to your head was what your fiancé would do to you if he found out you wore something so revealing.

Your thoughts got interrupted by a light knock on the door.

"Come in!" Emily yelled and Hotch appeared at the doorway.

"You both are okay with doing this, correct?" Hotch asked, looking between you and Emily. You both nodded and he continued.

"Well, it's not a full undercover procedure, but Reid and Morgan will be around if either of you need anything."

You and Emily both nodded before they left the room and it was just the both of you again. She quickly changed into a black square-neck shirt and black pants.

It was a fairly short drive to the bar, although it felt like it could've been hours long. You bounced your leg and bit your nails in nervousness the whole way there. The anxious feeling enveloped you even more as you entered and felt eyes on you and more specifically your figure underneath the skin-tight dress.

Emily and you sat at the bar for a moment before the Viper eventually approached you. He started to talk to Emily and you stirred the straw of the water you had ordered, trying to seem invisible. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Spencer talking to a bartender and they seemed to be flirting. You sucked in a breath and looked away, calling over another bartender to order a tequila shot.

You continued to leave the talking to Emily, just giving a sarcastic laugh or eye roll when needed. You wanted so badly to not be in that situation, but at least the alcohol made you less fidgety and nervous.

To your delight, the Viper finally left after what seemed like hours and Emily moved to the seat next to you at the bar.

"It seems like the methods he teaches includes belittling and insulting the women who make him feel powerless," Emily informed you, ordering a drink for herself.

"Maybe call Garcia?" You suggested with a shrug. "I'm sure she can find something."

Emily nodded and walked with Morgan to the outside of the club to call Garcia. You stayed and continued to watch people at the bar, trying to find anyone looking suspicious.

Soon after she left, Emily came rushing back in to gather everyone.

"Garcia got a list of names of boys that were somehow involved with the Holden family and cross-checked them with the list of people attending the Viper's class," Hotch explained quickly. "She found a hit and we have an address, we have to go."

The team followed her out to the SUVs parked outside, but on the way, Reid spots something on the floor of an alleyway next to the bar.

"Guys, guys!" He calls everyone over as he picks up the phone. "Whoever this was was trying to call our tip line. He has someone."

Taking the phone with you, everyone filed into the two cars and immediately took off to the address Garcia had sent Emily. Everyone had strapped on their FBI vests and got their guns ready as you had gotten to the unsub's house. Thankfully, SWAT arrived at the same time as you started to secure the perimeter before going inside.

You, Rossi, and Hotch found the unsub's mom whom he had been taking care of, which you found must've been the stressor. Spencer walked the bartender to an ambulance and you tried to ignore it by talking to JJ.

"It's too late to fly the jet back, we'll leave tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. sharp," Hotch informed the team as you rid yourselves of your vests.

"I say we take our newbie out for some drinks," Emily suggested, looking over at you with a smirk.

You debated with yourself for a moment. Going out was definitely not your favorite thing ever, but you had already had a drink and didn't want to decline Emily.

"Sure."

Everyone had decided to go back to the bar you were at when looking for the unsub. It was about midnight at that point, but everyone still insisted on going. As soon as you had walked in, Morgan went off to buy drinks while everyone found a table.

You sat down next to Reid and smiled at him. You knew him and you both had a mutual hatred of going out, but it seemed like it wasn't as bothersome when you went together.

"Sorry for dragging you into this," you apologized as Morgan came back with some shots and beers.

"No it's fine, I don't mind," he shrugged it off even though you could clearly see he was uncomfortable.

You spent the next hour getting to know the team better. They asked a couple of questions about your relationship which you tried to shrug off casually. But, it almost seemed like you and Spencer rambled for hours when they asked anything about either of you.

"Hey everyone!" Someone spoke using a microphone, which caught everyone's attention. "We're going to be starting karaoke, so get your requests in quickly!"

You looked over at Spencer in excitement and with a grin plastered across your face. Being fairly drunk now, you weren't really thinking clearly.

"Spence we have to sing our song! Just like we did in your last week at college!"


	5. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Home - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

_You stood at a bus stop directly across from the club nearest to your campus. It was a chilly night, and you wore an oversized sweater that belonged to the man standing next to you and a pair of beige slacks._

_"Are you sure about this Y/N?" Spencer glanced over at you with a worried look in his eye._

_"It's your last week of college, Spence. You know that if we don't do stupid college things now, we never will."_

_"I know, I'm just worried, that's all."_

_"Well, if we both end up hating it-"_

_"Which we probably will..."_

_"Spence! You don't know that!" You bit your lower lip and laughed softly. "Anyways, if we both don't like it, we can go see a film at the foreign movie theater up the road and you can translate it for me."_

_"Fine," he stubbornly agreed, but not too soon before you grabbed his hand and ran across the busy road, dragging Spencer along._

_"Y/N, what was that?!" Spencer asked, out of breath. as you reached the sidewalk in front of the bar._

_"Just a little something to get the blood going," you gave him a toothy grin._

_Neither of you let go of each other's hand as you approached the bouncer and showed him your IDs with your open hands._

_"Wait, oh my god, Spence!" You exclaimed as you pointed over towards the state accompanied by a karaoke machine and DJ. "We have to!"_

_"But I don't know how to sing, and I'll just be terrible and I don't need to embarrass myself in front of all these-"_

_"Spencer," you interrupted. "We've sung all those times together in your apartment at 2 a.m. and I didn't care about hitting notes or being on key. I cared that I was having a good time with my best friend, and that's exactly what will happen tonight."_

_His lips formed into a straight line as he thought about his decision for a moment._

_"Fine, as long as we sing our song."_

_"Of course we will," you smiled up at him and dragged him to the stage._

_~~~_

"This is going to be quite the sight," you heard Derek laugh before you grabbed Spencer's hand and led him to the stage.

"Are you sure you want to do this Y/N?" Spencer asked doubtfully. "The whole team is here and I don't want to embarrass myself-"

"Spencer," you interrupted. "We're at a club, we're all drunk and close to passing out, I highly doubt they'll care if we make a fool out of ourselves up there."

It felt weird to act like your college self again. For the past couple of years, you did almost everything not to bring attention to yourself. It was almost like a rule for you not to do or say anything that was absolutely necessary. But, now that you've downed a couple of drinks, you threw all those rules out the door.

"Just pretend like it's only us," you smiled up at Spencer before walking up to the DJ.

"'Home' by the Magnetic Zeros, please."

The DJ gave you a small nod and you and Spencer walked up to the two microphone stands on the stage. You spotted the table the team was sitting at and grinned at them shortly before the instrumental started to play.

As you started to sing the first verse, you stood directly next to Spencer, looking up at him almost the whole time. In your drunken state, you weren't the best singer, but to your surprise, you remembered all of the lyrics.

When both of you sung through the chorus and got to the second verse, you could tell Spencer was loosening up a bit. He started to care less about the team watching the both of you and kept eye contact with you on the stage.

"Well there's something I never told you about that night," Spencer took his microphone off the stand and turned towards you.

"What didn't you tell me?" You did the same and turned towards him as well.

"While you were sitting in the back seat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you 'til just now!"

As you listened to Spencer say the lyrics, you thought you could feel the sincerity in his voice, but chose to ignore it as you could've been mistaken.

"Aww!"

The chorus went by quickly as the song neared the outro and you put your microphone back on its stand and put your hand over Spencer's that he was holding his microphone with. You laughed quietly as you made eye contact once again and listened to his soft voice.

"Home, let me come home," Spencer started, giving you a sincere smile. "Home is wherever I'm with you."

"Home, yes I am home..." You broke eye contact with Spencer to look at the rest of the team for a moment. You hadn't felt at home for years, but now, when you're at a bar in the middle of Atlanta with people you've known for a couple of days, you finally feel that again.

"Home is when I'm alone with you." Looking directly at Spencer again, you meant all the words you had just sung, even if you hadn't realized it.

As you finished up the song, a couple of tables started clapping and cheering, but none as loud as the table the team was sat at. Everyone was standing up and cheering, Morgan and Rossi were whistling, and Hotch was putting away what you presumed was the phone he was recording your performance with.

You turned towards the crowd with Spencer and he put his hand around your waist and you copied, giving a bow before stepping off the stage. As you approached the team, you could see Emily and JJ whispering to each other, but tried to ignore it as you sat back down next to Spencer.

"Well that was quite a show," Rossi laughed before taking a sip of his drink.

"Agreed," Morgan laughed before also taking a sip of his beer.

"Another round?" Emily asked, looking around at the team.

"No thanks," Spencer declined, shaking his head. "I think I'm going to head out soon."

"I second that," you replied before yawning loudly. "I think I'm gonna head back to the hotel now." You got up from your seat but immediately started to stumble to find your balance.

"And how do you plan on getting back?" Emily asked, laughing.

You rubbed your eyes and yawned once again, "I'll just walk."

"Are you sure?" JJ asked doubtfully. "It's late and I'm sure you could call a cab or one of us could drive you."

"No, no, it's fine," you denied quickly. "I don't want to make one of you leave for me, I'll figure something out."

"I'll take you back," Spencer offered, getting up quickly. "It's not very far, I'll walk with you. Plus, I'm getting tired as well."

"Okay," you nodded and grabbed your bag. "I'll see you guys tomorrow," you added to the team before heading to the exit at the front of the club.

Spencer was right, the walk wasn't very long and you spent it in comfortable silence. When you reached the floor with the team's rooms on it, you said good night to Spencer and went over to your room. You reached in your bag, but quickly realized you forgot your key card.

You groaned and walked across the hall to Spencer's room. As soon as you knocked, he came to the door and unlocked it quickly.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, both concerned and confused.

"Oh uh- I locked myself out and don't have my key," you pointed back towards your door across the hall. "I don't want to be a bother, but could I sleep here for tonight?"

"Oh yeah, of course!" Spencer stepped to the side and let you in. "It's not a big deal, it's fine."

"Thank you so much," you smiled before sitting on a sofa and kicking your shoes off.

"Is there a spare blanket in the closet? I'll just sleep on the couch." You stated, getting back up.

"What? No," Spencer quickly shook his head. "I'll sleep on the couch, you can take the bed."

"But it's your room," you started. "I'll be fine, Spence."

"No, I insist."

"Spence- You know what?" You sat down on the right side of the bed and pat the empty space next to you. "It's a big bed, we can both just sleep on it."

"I- I- I don't know, I'm really fine-"

"Spence! I insist it's really fine," You shook your head as you slipped under the soft sheets and gestured for Spencer to come over.

"Okay," he finally agreed and laid down on the other side of the bed.

"Good night, Y/N," Spencer said as he turned the already dim lamp off.

"Good night, Spence."

_~_

You weren't sure what time it was when you were awoken from your slumber. You groaned and turned on your other side to try and fall back asleep before hearing what sounded like a whimper. Rubbing your eyes, you turned back around to see Spencer shaking in his sleep.

"Please don't- I don't- I don't want it, please," Spencer kept muttering under his breath.

"Spence? Spence, are you okay?" You placed a hand on his shoulder. "Spence, I'm here, you're okay."

You wrapped your arms around him worriedly, continuing to whisper affirmations in his ear.

"Please wake up, you're okay, Spence."

After a moment, Spencer stopped shaking and you could feel him bring his arms up to wrap around your waist.

"T-thank you. I was having a nightmare," Spencer exclaimed.

"You're okay, I'm here with you, we're both here and okay." You pulled away from the hold for a moment to kiss Spencer's cheek, then moved back down to nuzzle your head back into his chest.

"Thank you," Spencer repeated. "You really are the best."

You gave a small laugh and shook your head before falling back asleep.

_~_

You woke up before Spencer did, but you couldn't bring yourself to wake him up. After his nightmare, he just looked so peaceful and you didn't want to ruin it. You smiled contently to yourself before checking the time. You still had about an hour before you needed to leave for the airport.

"Hey Spence," you said after a couple of minutes. "Time to wake up."

He shook his head and held on tighter to your waist before letting go quickly. You looked at him confused before he kicked off the sheets and stood up.

"Are you ok-" You cut yourself off before it hit you what had just happened. You had slept in the same bed as Spencer and after he had a nightmare, you cuddled with him till he fell back asleep.

"Shit- I'm sorry I was half asleep and drunk and now I'm hungover, which I know is not an excuse..."

"It's okay, let's just pretend this didn't happen," Spencer decided before grabbing some clothes from his bag and heading to the bathroom.

You sighed in relief and started to grab your things before exiting his room and heading down to the lobby to get the receptionist to open your room. You quickly explained your situation to her and she took you back up to your floor and opened your door.

As soon as you entered, you thanked her before shutting the door and taking off your dress and shoes. You took a very quick shower and got changed just as quickly. You skipped the makeup for today, other than a bit of concealer and mascara.

You hurried to finish packing your things but got interrupted by a knock on the door. You shoved the last of your things into your bag before hanging them over your shoulder and going over to answer the door.

"We're leaving now," Emily stated as you opened the door. "How's the hangover treating you?"

"Eh, it's okay. I had some water so I'm feeling a bit better." You followed Emily down to the SUVs the team would take back to the airport.

Thankfully for you, the team had left just before rush hour and made it to the airport quite quickly. The flight back to the BAU was also very speedy and talking with Emily and JJ did make it go by quickly.

Since it was still early when you had gotten back to Quantico, the team had to stay for another couple of hours to finish filling out paperwork for the case.

It was about 3:30 p.m. when you finished up work and wished your farewells to the team. You again got lucky with traffic and caught both a taxi and train promptly. This was your first time away from your house for more than a day and it made you very excited to go back. It gave your fiancé and you some time away from each other that you thought could've solved some unresolved disputes.

"Hey honey, I'm home from the case." You dropped your keys onto a tray sat on a table at the entrance to your apartment. "You know, I really like this job, I think-"

"Yeah, okay, whatever that's cool." You heard James' voice dismiss you from the living room. "Can you get me another beer?"

"Oh- sure, honey." Grabbing a beer from the fridge, you plastered a smile on your face. James most likely had a bad day and was tired, just like yourself, you thought.

He took it from your hand quickly and turned back towards the television. "Are you going to make dinner?"

"Sure, is pasta okay?" You started to pull out pots and spoons from one of your cabinets.

"Sure, whatever."

Being that you were awfully tired, you went for a simple spaghetti with marinara sauce that only took about a half-hour to make.

You placed the two servings at your dinner table before calling your fiancé over to sit with you. He grumpily agreed, but not before grabbing another bottle of beer from your fridge.

"How has work been?" You asked, trying to make conversation as you ate, but James didn't even bother to acknowledge your question.

The rest of dinner when on like that. Every question or statement you made either wasn't acknowledged or dismissed by a grunt or head nod. You didn't mind though, you decided that James is just tired, like you, and didn't want to talk.

When you finished eating, you got up to take yours and James' plate over to the sink to wash them, but he stopped you.

"You didn't make more?" He asked with an annoyed, yet slightly shocked expression on his face.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry, I would've if I knew you were really hungry," you apologized quickly.

"What? So now you just want me to starve? You bitch!" He slammed the glass bottle of beer, that was now empty, against the kitchen table causing it to shatter. Now holding it like a weapon, James grabbed your collar with his other hand, causing you to flinch and drop the plates.

"Honey- I'm really sorry- I- I just didn't know and-"

He cut you off by bringing the jagged bottle up to your forehead and cutting you from the middle of your eyebrow to the corner of your eye. You immediately reached up to press down on the wound and tears started to shed slowly.

"I'm going out," James dropped the bottle and let go of your collar before grabbing his keys and leaving the apartment.

You stood in the middle of your dining room for a moment, tears slowly flooding down your cheeks.

After a while, you got down on your hands and knees to pick up the broken shards of glass from the bottle and porcelain from the plates.

"He just had a bad day," you repeated to yourself while you cleaned up. "Plus, I probably deserve this for last night."

It was a couple of hours later when you could finally tend to the cut above your eye. As you looked closely at it, you realized how deep the cut was, but you didn't want to go to the hospital for something so small. You quickly cleaned it with a cotton ball and alcohol, flinching as it burned with every drop.

You sighed heavily as you finished cleaning yourself up and changing into sleepwear. As you flopped down onto your bed and stared up at the ceiling, your mind immediately became clouded with hundreds of thoughts.

You knew it would be another sleepless night.


	6. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: As the World Caves In - Matt Maltese

**!! SEASON 4, EPISODE 24 SPOILERS !!**

_You breathed in the slight smell of coffee and spearmint as you clutched onto Spencer's periwinkle cardigan. The rain that had just started already made you both soaked._

_"Promise me you'll keep in touch?" He whispered into your ear._

_You pulled away from the hold a tiny bit to give him a kiss on the cheek, your pink lipstick leaving a faint stain. Then, looking into his eyes, you whispered back a lie._

_"I promise, Spence."_

_~~~_

You stayed awake the entire night. It wasn't a surprise that your fiancé never came back home, even though the back of your mind wished he would no matter what it meant for you.

You decided to get out of bed an hour earlier than needed, having nothing better to do. Although you lacked some needed hours of rest, you insisted on completing your entire morning routine.

But when you stepped into the flowing hot water of your shower, the side of your head immediately started to burn up in pain. Throughout the night, you had forgotten about the cut made by James the previous night, but now it started to come back to you.

About halfway through your shower, you could hear your phone start to ring from the other room.

"Fuck!" You yelled as you quickly stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around your torso.

"Hi, Hotch." You rested your cell phone between your shoulder and head as you stepped back into the bathroom. "A case? Got it."

"Ugh," you groaned as you hung up and put your phone down on the counter.

Normally you wouldn't mind having to go into work early, but it didn't help that you both looked and felt like shit.

You decided on minimal makeup once again, not trying to go too bold and bring attention to yourself. Right after you finished, you went over to your closet to decide what to wear, but not before you got interrupted by another phone call.

You looked at the caller ID and immediately smiled.

"Hey, honey!" You said quickly as you buttoned up a white long-sleeve shirt. You put your phone down and turned on the speaker as you continued to get ready.

"Hey, darling," James spoke quietly through the phone. "I'm really sorry about last night, I'll make it up to you today."

"Aw honey, you don't have to do that," you laughed quietly as you zipped up your corduroy skirt. "But, I do have another case today, so I won't be home."

"That's a shame," he said sadly. "Hopefully I'll see you soon."

"Hopefully." You grabbed a pair of Mary Janes and a sweater to finish off your outfit. "Bye, honey."

"Bye." Picking up the phone as James hung up, you quickly stuffed it into your messenger bag. Thankfully last night you had already put new clothes in your go-bag and quickly took that as well.

The train and taxi ride didn't take too long, which you were very happy about. But, a wave of confusion hit you as you looked through the glass doors of the BAU from the elevator.

There were countless amounts of people from the Army, doctors, and other officials. You maneuvered through everyone and saw the entire team already in the conference room and you quickly walked in.

"Twenty-five people were hospitalized after visiting a park in Annapolis, Maryland after 2 p.m. yesterday," JJ immediately started. "After 10 hours, the first victim died. Now, the death count is 12. Cause of death is lung failure and black lesions."

"Anthrax?" Morgan questioned.

"No, anthrax can't kill that quickly," Reid responded.

"Actually," a doctor that you hadn't noticed before spoke up. "This could be a different strain of it."

"We're going to be working with military scientists from Fort Detrick," Hotch quickly explains. "First, Dr. Kimura here will give us all a dose of Cipro, then wheels up immediately."

The doctor that previously spoke before put a tray down on the conference table that held many small cups filled with tiny pills. You took one and quickly swallowed it before grabbing your bags again and following the team to the jet.

The jet ride to Annapolis only took about 20 minutes and you drove to the precinct with Hotch and Rossi as the rest of the team went elsewhere. You hit a roadblock though as Garcia called to tell you how the victims are low-profile. Also, the General of the military scientists weren't pleased when Rossi had implied it could've been one of his scientists.

After waiting for longer than you would've liked, Reid called with a theory for the three of you.

"When looking at the case closer, I figured there had to be a sort-of test run made by the unsub," Spencer quickly explains through the phone. "It turns out that 2 days ago, 3 people were sent to the ER and died suddenly and the COD was meningitis. They weren't tested for anthrax because it seemed like meningitis but I think it could've been."

"Send the names to Garcia and have her call us back if there's a connection," Hotch ordered.

It was frustrating that the team had no leads on the case so far. But, that's what made you more excited when Garcia found a connection and Emily and Morgan were sent to investigate it.

The team quickly came back to the precinct to give the profile to all the other enforcers that were working on the case. You noticed how skeptical most people were about the team's profile and tried to not speak about it and let the rest of the team give it, as you were afraid of being ridiculed.

Although, after you gave the profile, someone came up to you telling you about a video that needed to be shown to the team. You watched intently as a paranoid Dr. Nichols talked about anthrax attacks and how they'd be coming soon.

"Morgan, Reid, and Y/L/N go to his house, and Rossi and Prentiss, you go to his office," Hotch ordered once again.

Thankfully for the three of you, the drive was fast and you could quickly get started on investigating the house.

As you, Morgan, and Reid stepped out of the SUV and into the front lawn, Morgan got a call from Emily and waited as you and Reid continued to look around.

Spencer opened the front door and for the both of you and you followed him inside quickly. There was a glass door right next to the entrance and you both walked in to investigate. You felt the chilly air from the A/C immediately and watched as Spencer crouched down on the floor to look at something.

"Y/N get out," Spencer demanded quickly.

"Huh? Why?" You questioned before you saw what he was crouching in front of. A glass test tube full of a white powder was broken on the floor and farther down, a dead body.

"Reid? Y/L/N?" Morgan yelled out for the two of you.

You quickly rushed over to the glass door and locked it, watching Morgan quickly come up to you.

"What are you doing?!" Spencer yelled, looking back at you.

"I can't leave you here, Spence," you quickly explained before looking back at Morgan. "I'm sorry." You looked back at Spencer and Morgan's eyes followed yours till he noticed the broken test tube and body on the floor.

Morgan quickly pulled out his phone to call Hotch and have medical assistance come for you and Spencer. He told you it would only take a couple of minutes and you thanked him. But soon you started to pace back and forth and bit your nails worriedly.

As soon as Hotch and many doctors and nurses arrived, you heard Spencer get a call on his phone. You looked through the glass door to see Morgan, Hotch, and the head military scientist staring into the room.

"Hotch, I really messed up," Reid said quickly. You went to stand near him as he talked on the phone.

"Reid, Y/L/N, we need to get you both out and to the hospital," Hotch stated.

"Please take Y/N, but I'm staying right here," Spencer looked over at you and you quickly shook your head.

"I'm staying here with you, Spencer," you quickly stated, not wanting to leave Spencer alone in the office.

"No, both of you are coming out, right now," Morgan said just as quickly.

"No, we're both infected already, it won't do any of us any good if we stop working the case," Reid handed you the phone as he went to go investigate the room.

You looked around and immediately found a desk that didn't fit in with the rest of the items in the room. It was very neat and organized, unlike all of the other workspaces.

"Dr. Nichols had a partner," you said loudly, so Spencer could hear you as well.

"They're both infected and if Nichols and his partner created the strain, they most likely created the cure and it would be in there," the military scientist told Hotch.

"Our best chance is to stay in here, see if there's a cure, and find out who killed Nichols," you stated through the phone.

"We're bringing in suits and masks for the both of you," Hotch stated before Spencer came back over and spoke to him.

"It won't do any good, we're already infected." He hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket.

You watched as people started setting up tents outside and pulling out various medical equipment. You looked around nervously before your eyes landed on Spencer and you took a couple of deep breaths.

"We'll be okay right?" You asked, even though you were pretty sure you knew the answer already.

"Yeah- yes, of course we will be," Spencer tried to reassure you. You nodded slowly and took another deep breath.

"I just need to make a quick call to Garcia," he told you and walked to the opposite corner of the room.

You tried not to listen as you looked around the room to find any evidence that would help solve the case. But, you couldn't help yourself as you heard Spencer's choked breaths.

"I- uh- I need you to record a message for my mom, in case anything were to happen to me," he paused for a moment. "Hi mom, this is Spencer. I just, uhm- I just really want you to know that I love you and I- I need you to know that I spend every day proud to be your son."

You bit your lip and looked up to try and stop yourself from crying, but you couldn't. It'd be stupid of you to think that Spencer and you could get out of this unharmed. You walked over to Spencer when you knew he was done with the call and asked to borrow his phone.

"Hey Garcia, it's me," you tried to stifle a laugh as you put the phone up to your ear. "Uh- I just- I haven't spoken to my parents for years, and I just- I need to record something for them." She quickly agreed and let you know when you could start the message.

"Hi mom, hi dad, it's me, Y/N, your daughter. Uhm- god, I don't know what to say. I love you both, so, so much, and I know I don't act like it, but I do. James, uh- he told me not to speak to you, and I'm sorry. I miss you both, so much." You looked over at Spencer and smiled to yourself.

"I work for the FBI now, a profiler actually. And I met Spencer again," you added the last part quietly. "I know you never met him, but he really is the best, I promise. But uh- I'm really sorry, again. It's my fault and I understand if you don't want to hear this, but I love you. Bye." You hung up and put the phone down on the table.

You turned back towards Spencer and looked at him for a moment before he did the same. He made eye contact with you for a couple of seconds before you both started to quickly walk towards each other. Once you got close enough, he closed the distance by delicately placing his lips on yours. Your heart pounded in your chest quickly as you hooked your arms behind his neck and he did the same to your waist. Smiling into the kiss, you tasted the comforting coffee and spearmint Spencer always smelt like. You moved one of your hands to his cheek, but he quickly took it into his own, intertwining your fingers. The fear of death overthrew the rational part of your mind that was trying to remind you that you were still engaged to a man that wasn't the one you were currently kissing.

However, you both were sent back to reality as you could hear the door unlock. You quickly pulled away from Spencer and leaned back on a table behind you as Dr. Kimura walked in, in a bright red hazmat suit.

"How are both of you feeling?" She asked as she looked down at the clipboard in her hands.

"Fine, actually I'm fine," Spencer said through exasperated breaths.

"Me too," you agreed, but not before noticing how shortened and quick your breaths became as well.

"If either of you feels any pain, I can give you something."

"I'd rather not take pain medication," Spencer quickly declined.

"Are you sure? It'd make the two of you feel more comfortable..." Dr. Kimura questioned.

"I am comfortable and I don't want to take any narcotics," Spencer cut her off, almost angrily.

You made eye contact with her as a silent apology. You weren't sure what made Spencer lash out, but you just assumed it was because of the position the both of you are in.

"Dr. Nichols is a former military scientist, which means he's most likely secretive and paranoid," Spencer started to ramble as he walked around the room. "He would definitely hide the cure from his partner in a place that wouldn't be suspected."

Spencer's cell phone started ringing and he answered it immediately. You quickly found out it was Morgan and Garcia to help with any evidence you might find.

You continued to look around as he talked to them, but you became worried when you heard Spencer coughing after every other word. Your breathing was also very sharp and shallow.

Trying to ignore the sounds of both of your coughs and broken breathing, you looked around with Dr. Kimura for what might be the cure. Opening a drawer on one of the many distraught and unorganized desks, you found a white inhaler with no markings on it.

As Spencer ended his call with Morgan and Garcia, you walked over to him with the inhaler in hand.

"They- they found a- a lead," Spencer said exasperatedly.

"His inhaler-" You clutched onto the fabric of your sweater as you tried to speak but were unable to without pain.

"Agent Y/L/N thinks the cure could be in his inhaler," Dr. Kimura explained for you.

You quickly shoved the inhaler into Spencer's hand before bringing your arm up to your mouth and coughing loudly into the crook of your elbow. He gave it back to you after a couple of seconds and you used it as well before Dr. Kimura led you both out of the office. Immediately once you walked outside, you saw large white tents and many people in the same hazmat suit as Dr. Kimura. She led you to one of the tents, right next to Reid. Two of the doctors took hoses and started to spray down the two of you with water. The chill of the freezing cold water didn't help your already hurting chest and throat. You moved your hair behind your ears and looked over at Spencer.

"Dr. Reid, I'll take you to a separate tent so the both of you can get take off some layers of clothing," Dr. Kimura told Spencer.

You looked over at him and gave a small wave and he did the same.

"Wait Spencer-" You noticed something on his hand, but couldn't describe it before you had another coughing fit. "Your- your hand."

Dr. Kimura looked at his hand, then back at you. Her eyes were looking not at yours, but your forehead. Subconsciously, you reached for the cut above your eyebrow.

"We need an ambulance immediately," she quickly told one of the other doctors before leading you both out of the tents. Your chest hurt as breathing continued to get harder and harder the more you walked.

The ambulance came almost immediately and both you and Spencer laid down on the stretchers they quickly brought out for you both. Now, you couldn't stop coughing and it seemed like neither could Spencer. As one of the doctors closed the doors and the driver took off to the hospital, Dr. Kimura started to check on you both. She gave both of you a nasal cannula for oxygen, but it didn't help you that much.

"How are you two feeling?" She asked, checking your heartbeat with her stethoscope.

"My throat is- my throat is dry," you tried to tell her without being interrupted by too many coughs.

"I feel film- I feel- flin." You looked over at Spencer as he stuttered over his words. He previously told you that's what happened to many of the patients before they died and you immediately felt your breath start to sharpen even more.

"Slen- Spend- Sper-" As you spoke, you became even more frustrated with your inability to form full words.

Your eyes widened as you looked over at Spencer and saw a line of blood trail down from his mouth. You grabbed for his hand, but only managed to hook your pinkies before your vision went black.


	7. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Line Without a Hook - Ricky Montgomery

_The benches outside of the Caltech dormitories weren't comfortable whatsoever. But, they did come in handy when you couldn't stand being inside any longer._

_An unlit cigarette hung from the corner of your mouth. The lighter was just in the front pocket of your jeans, yet you couldn't bring yourself to light it._

_The snow that fell around you almost felt like a taunt as you watched it slowly come down upon the campus._

_Eventually, you couldn't stand just sitting outside and not doing anything, so you took the cigarette in between your pointer and middle finger and lit it._

_You thought that the short buzz from the nicotine might help you forget him, but it was the opposite. All you could imagine was Spencer rambling about cigarettes and the likelihood of them killing you._

_"As if that's not what I want right now," you whispered to yourself as you took the cigarette in your hand once again and let it fall to the floor. You stomped it out and looked back at the dim light coming from your dorm._

_"God, how I need you here, Spencer," you shook your head sadly as you started the ascent back to your room, afraid of what might occur._

_~~~_

The heaviness of your eyelids made you not want to open them, but you decided you have to as you heard numerous voices around you. The first sight of bland white hospital walls and the sterile smell of bleach didn't encourage you to wake yourself up any further, but you continued to look around slowly. The artificial light coming from the ceiling was almost blinding with how bright it was.

"Hey, pretty girl is awake," you heard Morgan's voice first and immediately gave a soft smile.

"H-hey," you responded as you reached up to rub your eyes. Quickly, your vision started to clear up more and you were able to see the rest of the team.

"How are you feeling?" Emily asked, walking over to sit on the edge of your bed.

"I've seen better days."

"Where's Spencer?" You hadn't seen him when you looked around the room and immediately started to get worried.

JJ walked over to the right side of your bed and pulled a crinkly and fading curtain open to reveal another figure in the bed beside yours. You smiled immediately once you recognized Spencer, and he did the same.

"It's hospital protocol that the both of you stay here for tonight, but you'll be released first thing tomorrow morning," Hotch explained, looking back and forth between you and Spencer every couple of words.

"I understand," you replied with a nod.

"Okay, well it's getting late so we'll let the two of you get your rest now," Rossi chimed in, implying the team should leave the hospital room. They all quickly said their goodbyes and now it was just you and Spencer.

All you could think about was your kiss from earlier in the day. The more it clouded your mind, the more guilty you felt about it. You had cheated on your fiancé, your high school sweetheart, before you nearly died. It was also well known that agents shouldn't have romantic affiliations with each other, as it could easily affect you both in the field. What the worst part was though, is that you weren't even sure why you kissed him. Spencer and you had reunited again not even a week ago after not talking to each other for years and you kissed him for a reason you weren't even sure of. You tried to rationalize it by telling yourself that you both could've died and that you needed to do that just in case death did come upon you. But, why would you feel the need to do that if you had no romantic feelings for each other?

You shook your head, trying to shake your thoughts out as well as you looked over at Spencer once again. That's when you decided to toss your legs over the side of your bed and clutch onto the metal rod of your IV. You slowly made your way through the short distance from your bed to Spencer's to sit on the edge of it.

"Hey," you tried to give a small smile down at him.

"Hey."

"I'm sorry I acted so irrational earlier, I guess the fear of dying just made me- I don't know, it just felt like I needed to do that in case we both didn't get out of there," you tried to explain your decisions, but couldn't find the right words.

"You know, most psychologists say that there's really no such thing as irrational behavior in humans. Each person has their own moral compass that we make decisions based upon and mostly everyone has their reasoning for decisions they make," Spencer explained to you. You could tell he was trying to comfort you by telling you statistics, as usual, but knowing that he wasn't repulsed by you now was comforting enough. You turned slightly away from him again, messing with the hem of your hospital gown as you tried to hide tears that were about to start flowing. You never would've thought that meeting Spencer again after so long would bring up so many different emotions in you, but here you were.

"And of course, in a situation where someone thinks they're about to die, they'd make decisions that weren't necessarily thought through." Spencer tugged softly on your forearm, trying to get you to look at him again.

"It was nice though, like a game of pretend. Like we were in an alternate universe where everything was different," he smiled up at you.

"Can we play for a little longer, then?" You asked him in a whisper, afraid your voice would crack if you spoke any louder.

He lifted the small hospital blanket a little bit for you. You helped him hold it up as you slipped underneath the thin sheet and faced Spencer. Your faces were inches apart, but all you did was look at each other with soft and loving eyes. He lifted his hand to put a tuft of hair behind your ear, letting his hand linger on your cheek for a moment. You copied and did the same to him as he lightly rubbed his thumb back and forth on your cheek. Spencer leaned forward and pressed his lips gently to your forehead before pulling you towards him. He slowly wrapped his arms around you and rubbed small circles into your back till you both slowly started to drift off to sleep.

_~_

When you slowly started to wake up, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling. You wouldn't be the first person to say that you never liked hospitals, yet you found comfort in lying in a tiny hospital bed with thin arms wrapped around you under a small blanket.

You nuzzled your head closer to his chest, listening to Spencer's heartbeat for a moment.

"I see someone's awake," he whispered, following with a soft laugh.

"G'morning to you too, Spence," you muttered back sleepily.

A soft knock was made on your hospital door, immediately followed by a tall man wearing a white coat coming in. You and Spencer quickly tried to move as far apart as you could on the tiny hospital bed, but didn't have much luck.

"Ms. Y/L/N and Mr. Reid." The man you presumed to be your doctor read your names off a clipboard. "You can stay put, I just need to check your vitals."

The doctor walked over to where both of your IV rods stood and both you and Spencer gave a small sigh of relief. You couldn't imagine the consequences if someone the both of you knew had walked in.

After marking a couple of things down on his clipboard and taking both of your IVs out, the doctor left.

"I'm gonna uh- go change," you pointed over your shoulder to the bathroom in the corner of the hospital room.

You walked over to a table that held your clothes from the previous day and picked them up. Thankfully, they were dry now but you wished you had clean clothes to change into.

As you zipped up your skirt and tucked your shirt in, you looked yourself up and down in the mirror before finally meeting your own eyes. There was a moment where you didn't recognize yourself. You didn't recognize the life you were living or the person you've let yourself become.

A light knock on the door interrupted your thoughts.

"Hotch just called and said the team will be here in about 20 minutes," Spencer informed you.

You walked over to the door and opened it to see Spencer standing right in front of you.

"It's all yours."

As Spencer went to change in the bathroom, you tried to gather the rest of your items, although most were still in your hotel room.

You grabbed both of your messenger bags from a small chair in the corner of the room and handed Spencer his bag as he exited the bathroom.

"I was thinking we could get breakfast downstairs before we leave," Spencer suggested as the two of you walked beside each other out of your room to the elevators.

You gave a small nod as a response without making eye contact. Part of you knew that as a profiler, Spencer would notice the way you tried to dissociate from yesterday's events, but the other part hoped that he wouldn't.

The small ding from the elevator was the only thing that caused you to snap out of your dazed state. You still only looked straight ahead as you both exited and made your way to the cafeteria.

There wasn't a long line for breakfast, but you didn't notice as you walked beside Spencer, almost robotically.

Spencer ordered first as you stated down at the options, not taking note of any of them.

"And miss, what would you like?" The lady that was serving the food asked you, even though you weren't listening.

"Y/N," Spencer whispered, tugging on your wrist, which caused you to immediately look up.

"Oh," you slowly realized what was going on. "I'll just take a yogurt and granola, please."

Spencer led you over to the area for picking up food, but you had already reverted back to your dazed glance ahead of you.

"Are you okay?" Spencer bent down a little to get into your line of view.

"Fine- fine, I'm fine," you answered quickly as the same lady walked over to bring the two of you your food.

"Maybe you'd like to talk to Hotch about it?" He suggested as you both sat down at a small round table. "I know how scary the job can get sometimes and he's been there for all of us-"

"Spencer, I'm not going to talk to fucking Hotch about the fact that I just cheated on my fiancé with my college best friend," you cut him off sharply before realizing what you said.

"I didn't- I didn't mean it like that, god," you ran your hand through your hair nervously. "I just- part of me wants to rationalize it, but that means there were feelings behind it all and I don't know if that makes it worse or better. So, if I just dissociate from it all, it doesn't make it real in my eyes. But, I don't want it to not be real, but I don't want this to fuck things up between us."

Spencer just gave you a look. Not a look that you were crazy, or made no sense, but a look of understanding.

"If you pretend it isn't real, it stops you from potentially hurting other people from it," Spencer simplified.

"Yes- yeah, exactly," you agreed with a nod.

Neither of you said anything else for the rest of the meal. It wasn't necessarily a comfortable silence, but it wasn't awkward either. And when the team arrived at the hospital in three black SUVs, you and Spencer were already checked out and ready to leave.

As the team split themselves up into the different cars to take back to the BAU, you and Spencer were left with the last one. You offered to drive, as you remembered how much he disliked it and he agreed.

You both fell into another uncomfortable yet comfortable silence as you followed the rest of the team onto the freeway back to Virginia. The radio wasn't turned on and the A/C was blasting, but that's the way both of you liked it.

You looked over at Spencer for a moment and reached over to place your hand on top of his. He quickly moved to hold your hand, looking over at you. You gave his hand a small squeeze, while still staring out at the road ahead of you.

"What was that for?" He questioned, even though you could tell he wasn't expecting an answer.

"For being you." You held Spencer's hand the whole way back to Quantico.

_~~~~~_

Author's Note:

Hey everyone! Sorry that this chapter is more of a filler, but I wanted there to be a sort of "quiet before the storm" because I have many plans for the next coming chapters.

I'm also sorry to say that other than this, there will most likely not be any updates for the next week or two because I do have finals and the semester is ending, but after I will most likely be updating every couple of days.

Thank you so much for reading this story, it means the world to me. <3


	8. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Me and My Husband - Mitski

_The pain surrounding your eye wasn't bearable whatsoever. Your first thought wasn't to leave the dormitory but to ask yourself what you did wrong._

_"I know you love him, I can see it in your eyes!" James' right hand was still clenched into a fist._

_"I don't! I only love you!" Your fight or flight instinct caused you to slowly back away, but he didn't like that._

_"Oh, now you're trying to run away from this?" He slowly started to walk towards you and you walked backward till you eventually backed into the door._

_"I don't love Spencer, we're just friends, James!" You struggled through your words, breathing exasperatedly, eyes widened in fear._

_"You know what, slut? You can find some other place to sleep tonight!" James pulled you forward to open the door, but not before pushing you back and locking you out._

_You stared at the door for a moment before slowly backing against the wall behind you. Your legs started to give out and you let yourself fall to a sitting position._

_As you brought your knees up to your chin and laid your head on them, tears started to slowly drip down your cheek. You closed your eyes and silently wished for the pain to go away as you fell asleep._

_He hit you for the first time. But, little did you know it would be nowhere near the last._

_~~~_

The team groaned in unison as Hotch announced that you would all have to stay after hours to complete all of the paperwork.

You all sat down at your respected cubicles and pulled out the case folders, wanting to get the work over with as soon as possible.

"I'm going to go brew a pot, do either of you want a cup?" Spencer asked, looking between you and Emily as he stood up from his desk.

The both of you nodded in unison before Spencer left to the small break room near the entrance to the unit. Emily looked towards you once he was in the other room.

"I don't get it," she blurted out.

"Huh?" You asked, confused.

"Over my years here, I've noticed how Reid never makes contact with anyone," Emily started to explain. "I know it's because of the germs, but my entire time here, I've maybe seen him shake someone's hand or hug someone a total of 3 times. And when you came, it seemed like he just threw those rules away."

You thought about what Emily said for a moment. She did have a point, as you have noticed that as well.

"Uh- well, I guess the way I talk to people or well- communicate is through touch, so when we started to get close, I showed how appreciative I was through hugs and stuff like that." You tried to explain yourself but it seemed like you couldn't find the right words.

"So I guess he- oh god this is going to sound so bitchy- he just put up with it, sort of. Like I tried not to, obviously, when I saw he was uncomfortable, but I guess he just didn't mind as we got close."

Emily gave a small nod and opened her mouth to speak, but Spencer had just come back with the coffees and she immediately closed it.

He placed a small cup on your desk and you thanked him with a smile as you got back to work.

After a couple of hours, most of the team were finally done for the day. Everyone, except Hotch and Rossi, had packed up their things and all of you were about to head out through the glass doors before the elevator dinged.

You looked over and saw James quickly step out, looking for you.

Your heart immediately started to beat very quickly and you ran over to him before he could find you. The last thing you wanted right now was for him to see Spencer.

"Hey, honey." You smiled as you grabbed his lower arm and started to walk in the direction opposite of the team.

"Hey baby," James smiled back as he wrapped his arms around your waist for a quick hug.

As you both started to pull away, he let his hand linger for a moment, reaching for the holster that sat on the hem of your skirt. He pulled out your gun and your eyes widened in fear and you let out a small gasp. James shoved the gun into his pocket and put his hand on the small of your back, leading you back to the elevators. His expression hadn't changed, and he was still smiling brightly at you.

He kept his hand on you as the both of you took an elevator down to the parking garages. Once the doors had opened, you tried to walk as quickly as possible to get to your car. At a certain point, you had passed by the team but tried not to look or pay attention to them.

You were about to get into the passenger side, but James quickly handed you the keys and gestured for you to drive. You held your breath, trying not to look scared.

As you turned the car on and put your hands on the wheel, he pushed the gun against your waist. You took in a sharp breath and your eyes somehow widened even more.

"Drive," he commanded and you quickly started to pull out of the parking spot.

"I got a call from the hospital last night," he told you, looking over with a questioning look, but you could tell it was fake.

"Yeah- I got poisoned, but they got it in time." You nodded but still refused to look over at him, keeping your eyes on the road.

"I thought you said you just worked in communications? And you didn't go into the field?"

"Oh- they wanted me to help with the crime scene because we were short on people," you quickly lied.

"It was probably around 7 that I got the call that you were awake in the hospital," James started to explain. He continued to make exaggerated expressions but held your gun firmly at your waist

"And it takes about an hour to get there, so I had really hoped you would stay up and wait for me," he added.

Your breathing started to pick up the pace and you silently hoped that he wouldn't notice. You weren't sure of the exact time you had fallen asleep with Spencer in his hospital bed, but you were almost positive that it was before 8.

"Well, it was dark out when I woke up so I went to sleep almost immediately," you tried to defend yourself.

"So, who else had to go to the hospital?"

"Just me, I was the only one who went into the room with the poison."

"Ohh." James made a face of realization, but it was obviously fake "So, I was just imagining you cuddling Spencer Reid in that hospital bed?"

Your breath immediately hitched and you looked over at James, trying to find a reaction.

"James, I-"

"No, shut up. We'll drive home in silence." He pressed the gun against your waist even harder and you whimpered.

The rest of the car ride was pure silence.

When you had reached your apartment complex, the street lights were the only thing giving a faint glow on the two of you. Once you got out of the car, James was right behind you, continuing to hold your gun against you.

When you reached your apartment, he shoved you inside, hard enough to make you fall over. He slammed the door behind you both and looked down at you, pointing the gun directly between your eyes.

"You're such a fucking whore. I knew I couldn't expect anything from you, slut." He continued with the slurs and insults and you just stared up at him, unable to speak.

"James, please-"

"No, you know what." He quickly bent down to your level and placed the gun under your chin and you closed your eyes and your breathing came to a halt.

"You don't deserve to live, bitch."

At that moment, you thought you were about to die. But, the voice in your head told you that you deserved it. You waited for him to pull the trigger, for the bright white light. You waited for it like it was your savior from this world.

Suddenly, you heard the front door slam open and crashes and thuds all around you. You immediately opened your eyes to watch as your fiancé fell to the floor and Spencer try to wrestle your gun out of his hold. As the gun fell from his hand, you reached for it before scooting backward and pointing it in both Spencer's and James's direction. Your breathing was heavy and your vision was blurred, but the yells coming from the two men in front of you were heard very clearly.

"Y/N, you love me, you'd never hurt me," James yelled as he tried to lunge towards you.

"Call 911!" Spencer yelled back as he tried to hold James back, cuffing his arms behind his back simultaneously.

But, you couldn't. You felt like you were glued to the ground. You couldn't call the cops on James, he is the love of your life and you hurt him. You knew you deserved what he was going to do.

Spencer had eventually taken it upon himself to call for reinforcement, but you wouldn't be surprised if your neighbors had heard the commotion and called already.

You hugged your knees to your chest as you watched Spencer continue to try and hold back James even though he was way stronger and had way more muscles on him. The yells and screams were eventually turned into mumbles as the rest of your senses were taken away. The dissociation from the event was the only thing helping you to not have a panic attack on the floor of your apartment.

The sound of sirens approaching your house made you finally process everything going on. Watching as cops and nurses enter in the same way Spencer had, carefully yet quickly. But, you stayed sat on the floor.

"You're going to regret this, bitch," were the last words that you could hear James say before the police dragged him out of your apartment.

A nurse came up to you, asking if you were hurt to which you quickly shook your head no.

After talking with a few of the cops and nurses, Spencer walked up and sat beside you. He didn't say anything for a moment and just looked at you in silence.

"When you left the group before we left and then ran past us in the parking garage, I knew something was wrong, " he started to explain. "I didn't know what to do, so I drove here by myself; I know how ridiculous that sounds." Spencer gave a dry laugh but you still didn't look over or show a reaction.

"I just- I'm really sorry if that was an invasion, but I was just really worried. And I'm just so relieved you're safe now," he finished.

"Please leave." Your voice got caught in your throat and you could barely whisper those words before choking up again.

"Sorry?" Spencer looked at you, extremely confused.

"I was fine- I- I was going to be fine." You could hear the anger slowly coming out in your voice. "Now- now James is going to jail for no reason!"

"Y/N, he was going to kill you!" Spencer tried to defend himself.

"No, he wasn't, Reid!" You quickly stood up and looked down at him. "If James hurt me, I must've deserved it. If I do something wrong and- he hits me, then I deserved it, I deserve to be hurt. And- and it's not your place to come in here and call the cops like you're a hero. Because you're not."

"Y/N, he held a gun to your head, he was going to kill you! And you think you deserve that because of a mistake?"

"James was mad because he saw us at the hospital, Reid! So you don't have any- any right to tell me what I deserve or don't deserve. Ever since college, he had this feeling about you and I always defended you, but he was right. So, just stop Reid, stop.”

"Y/N, stop-"

"No, Reid," you turned your head to look away. "Leave, please."

You could feel his eyes on you for a moment, but you still refused to look at him. The sound of his feet hitting the wooden floor as he left was relieving but heartbreaking at the same time. When you were sure he was gone, you looked towards the empty doorway and took a shallow breath.

Taking another glance around the small apartment, you took a mental note of the damage. Thankfully, only the entrance area was slightly damaged and easily cleanable.

"We'll bring you in for questioning tomorrow, ma'am," the last police officer in your apartment told you. You gave a small nod of acknowledgment before he left and closed the front door behind him.

You closed your eyes for a moment and tried to take deep and steady breaths. It was just a way of you trying to convince yourself that you were calm and balanced, although it wasn't working very well.

As you took your phone out of your pocket, you scrolled through the few contacts you had and pressed one. After dialing for a couple of seconds, the line picked up.

"What's up, buttercup?" She asked cheerfully.

"Hey, Penelope, sorry for calling so late," you sniffled a bit and she instantly started talking again.

"Love, what's wrong?"

You could hear the concern in her voice.

"I just-" You had to take a deep breath before continuing to stop yourself from crying. "I really need a place to stay."

"Oh, of course, love, I'll be right over."

You were practically able to hear Garcia rushing to get to you through the phone.

"Are you sure? It's late and I really don't want to be a bother."

"No, Y/N, you could never be a bother. You can stay at my place for as long as you need, no questions asked. I'm leaving right now, see you soon."

"See you soon, Garcia." You put your phone back in your pocket and walked over to your room before heading into the closet.

You grabbed a duffel bag and started to shove clothes and shoes inside, not particularly caring what exactly they were.

Once you had finished that, you zipped the bag up and threw it over your shoulder. As you made your way back into your living room, you picked up your messenger bag and threw it over your other shoulder. You took the spare keys off the hook and exited your apartment, locking the doors behind you.

The concrete steps thudded loudly as you quickly walked down them, just to get to the quiet ground floor.

You walked outside to watch the busy people of Washington D.C. go about their lives like normal. The streets were still busy with cars and buildings were still lit up brightly and everyone's worlds were still going on when yours had just been ruined.

As you sat down on the concrete sidewalk, awaiting Penelope, you shook your head and sighed.

Nothing would ever be normal again.


	9. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Space Song - Beach House

_The knife that he held up to your throat took your breath away. He pressed it into your skin harder every time you flinched or made a sound._

_"Your boyfriend isn't here to protect you anymore." He laughed as if what he said was a hilarious joke._

_"I love you," you choked out._

_If he pressed the knife any farther into your throat, he'd kill you._

_"I don't care." He dropped the knife and you tried to catch it, the blade slicing into your palm._

_James didn't know that the same knife was also responsible for the jagged cuts that ran up and down your forearm._

_~~~_

The weather wasn't in your favor as the cold winter air blew past and around you. You unhooked the latch of one of the many pockets on your messenger bag, pulling out a pack of cheap cigarettes and a lighter. You lit one and shoved the rest back in your bag.

Your eyes wandered the roads in front of you, looking for a car that would pick you up and take you away.

The smoke that filled your lungs almost brought you warmth with the comforting taste.

You stood up, cigarette still in hand, when a light blue convertible pulled into the parking lot. The expression on your face didn't change as you slowly walked up to the car.

As you opened the passenger door, Penelope looked you up and down with concern.

"Honey, please get in. You must be freezing."

You obliged and sat down, tossing your cigarette bud out the window.

A soft pop song was playing on the radio at a low volume, which was oddly comforting. You watched Penelope as she pulled out of the parking lot and back onto the road. The flashing lights that surrounded you caught your attention for the majority of the drive to her apartment. It surprised you how easy it was to distract yourself from the mess that was tonight.

The walk up to her apartment was silent and the only sound you could hear was both of your footsteps against concrete.

"You can take the bed, I'll sleep on the couch," Penelope told you as she opened her front door.

"No, no, I'll be fine." You gave a weak smile as you dropped your bags near her large couch. "Thank you so much, again."

"It's no worries, you can stay as long as you need honey." She smiled back at you, though hers was way brighter. "The bathroom is down the hall, good night."

"Good night," you watched as she left the living room and you sighed deeply.

You took a plush blanket off the armrest and threw it over you as you kicked off your shoes and laid down on the soft couch. As you stared up at the ceiling, you tried to steady your breathing before closing your eyes.

'The worst night of my life,' were the last words you thought before falling asleep.

_~_

Your first instinct was to flinch when you felt a hand rapidly shake your shoulder.

"Y/N, wake up, it's an emergency!" Garcia continued to frantically shake you till she knew you were awake.

You groaned as you eventually opened your eyes to look up at her. As you reached up to rub your eyes, Penelope started to insist you both leave immediately.

"Hurry! Hotch just called and we need to get the BAU," she picked up your shoes and bags and shoved them into your arms.

You quickly got up and followed Penelope as she grabbed her keys and quickly headed out her front door.

"Garcia, what time is it?" You asked as you sat down in the passenger seat of her car.

"Approximately 1:45."

As she started the car, the lights of the dashboard almost blinded you. It wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world, but at least it woke you up.

"Did he say what this is about?" You questioned as you rubbed your eyes once more.

"No, just that it's an emergency and we have to be there ASAP," Penelope pressed harder on the gas, throwing you against your seat. You reached up to grab onto the roof handle, looking at her with wide eyes.

She was somehow able to make what would be a one and a half-hour drive into 25 minutes. The parking garage was practically empty as Penelope parked across 3 spots.

As you quickly made your way to the sixth floor, you tried to fix up your appearance as much as you could. Your hair was still a mess as you and Garcia exited the elevator and ran to the conference room. Everyone was already sat down, and there were also other officials standing at the doorway, which confused you.

The only open seat was next to Spencer, which you reluctantly took.

"At 1:30 a.m., I was contacted by the DC Metro police department," Hotch immediately started. "I was informed that Y/L/N's fiance, James Nelson, had escaped custody and is now on the run."

You could feel your heart drop as Hotch announced the news. Your breath hitched and you looked around nervously, the entire team's eyes on you.

"I was informed by both Reid and the police about the situation and it's very clear that both of you are in great danger because of this. It's highly recommended that you both go into witness protection immediately till he is caught and in custody, once again.

"W-what?" You stuttered. You couldn't believe the news that came from Hotch. "He's- he's not dangerous. It was a mistake, I don't need to go anywhere."

"Y/L/N, by not going into witness protection you're risking your life. From the events of tonight, we clearly see that he's a dangerous individual and we can't take any risks." Hotch gave a stern and serious look at you.

"Are we going to still be in contact with the rest of the team?" Reid asked.

"No, I'm not quite sure if you both will be able to even be in contact with each other during this period."

"When are we leaving?" Reid questioned again.

"Who's we?" You looked at Spencer as if he was crazy for suggesting you would also put yourself in witness protection.

"Y/L/N, you're putting yourself in extreme danger by not going into witness protection. James knows that you work here, so you'd also be putting all the agents that work in the building at risk." Hotch stated seriously.

You would never admit it, but deep down you knew that Hotch was right. The probability of James finding you if you didn't go into witness protection was very high and you didn't want to risk that.

"Fine," you stubbornly stated. "I'll go."

Hotch gave a nod and continued.

"The marshals standing at the door will escort you both back to your houses to gather necessities, then take you back here to fly you both off to houses where you'll spend your time until we find James."

Everyone stood up from their seats at the round table, staring at you and Spencer. Nobody said anything for a moment before Hotch spoke up again.

"We'll see you both again when you leave."

The marshals that previously stood at the doorway walked up to you and Spencer and led you out of the office and down to the parking garage. You went into one car with one of the agents and Spencer went into the other. You hadn't spoken a word to him or even made eye contact after you had left the office.

The next hour was spent going back to your apartment to gather more clothes and items that you would need at your new house. Thankfully it wasn't that much since you already had some things in your duffel bag.

As you took the drive back to Quantico, it had started to drizzle which lowered your mood even more. Normally, you enjoyed the rain, but now it added to the depressing mood you currently had.

The marshals took you and Spencer out to the tarmac to board the planes you would take to your witness protection houses. The rest of the team was already waiting outside, but as you approved closer you noticed there was only one plane.

"I thought we weren't going together," you looked at Hotch, then to the marshals, confused.

"We decided it'd be safest to put you both together in a house," one of the marshals stated.

You almost changed your decision about going right there. But, you also remembered how much danger you were in if you didn't go.

"It better be big because I don't want to see him at all while we're there." You glanced over at Spencer for a moment, then back at the team.

They walked over to the both of you and started exchanging hugs. Words and phrases like "we'll miss you" and "good luck" and "we'll catch him" were exchanged sadly.

As you both walked away and to the steps of the plane, you took a glance up to the sky and felt the small raindrops hit your face. You took another glance at the team before walking inside the jet.

You took the seat farthest in the back before Spencer followed you inside, but took the seat closest to the front. The pilot quickly closed the door before entering the cockpit again and starting the drive to the main runway.

The rain sped up and was now pelting your window as the plane was now taking off. The uncomfortable feeling of the drop in your stomach thankfully only lasted a moment before the plane was situated in the air.

You glanced over at Spencer, his hands quickly trailing down the pages of a novel you were sure he's probably read before. He glanced up at you and you looked away before closing your eyes.

You could never forgive him for this.


End file.
